Loss is never easy for anyone, but for young kids who might not understand what death means, and may want to know why they can’t see their loved one anymore, it can be even more heartbreaking, not just for them, but for you having to watch them go through it too.
That’s why it’s so important you are there to guide them through, and here are a few things that will help you do that:
1. Embrace the Awkward
First things first—death can be awkward. Kids ask questions you’d never anticipate, like “So, does Grandma get her own cloud?” or “Can I send my goldfish a postcard in heaven?” Resist the urge to hush them up, because those curious questions are crucial for making sense of what’s happened. Instead, answer honestly, at a level they can understand. A bit of humour or whimsy, if it feels right, can lighten the conversation, but be careful not to dismiss how they’re feeling.
2. Let Them Grieve (Even if It Looks a Bit Weird)
One kid might cry buckets of tears, while another might just shrug and wander off to play Minecraft. Every child processes loss differently. Give them the space to experience those emotions, whether they’re sobbing into a teddy bear or burying themselves in a colouring book. It’s perfectly normal for children (and, dare I say, adults) to swing between sadness and joy in a matter of minutes. Grief doesn’t have a one-size-fits-all timetable—so be patient, stock up on tissues, and brace for mood whiplash.
3. The Role of Funeral Services
Explaining things like funeral services or memorials can be daunting, but it can also help children understand the traditions around saying goodbye. If it’s appropriate, consider letting them be involved in small ways—writing a card, choosing flowers, or picking a photo to display. Being part of the ritual can make the idea of “final farewells” feel a little less scary. Just be ready to field questions like, “Why are there so many sandwiches at this gathering?” The answer: “Because even sadness requires snacks.”
4. Encourage Creative Outlets
Sometimes, children don’t have the vocabulary to express grief, and that’s where creativity steps in. Art projects, journaling, or even building a Lego tribute tower can give kids a way to process tough feelings without feeling pressured to talk. You might wind up with a crayon drawing of a cat angel riding a unicorn over a rainbow—and hey, if that helps them cope, then it’s absolute gold.
5. Celebrate the Memories
Loss doesn’t just mean missing someone (or something); it also means reflecting on the happy times with family. Share stories, look at photos, and do the things your child enjoyed with the person (or pet) they’re missing. If Grandma loved baking, whip up her famous scones together—yes, the ones that threatened to break teeth if left in too long. Reminiscing in a positive way can keep those memories alive and remind kids that although someone’s gone physically, the impact of that bond remains.
6. Keep Talking (No, Really, Keep Talking)
Loss isn’t over once the funeral’s done and the casserole dishes have been returned. Feelings can bubble up weeks or months later, sometimes at the most random moments. Continue checking in with your child—casually, if that’s easier. Ask how they’re feeling, share how you’re doing, and let them know it’s okay to keep revisiting the topic. Grief is an evolving process, not a one-and-done scenario.
Laura x